Are Smartphones Digital Pacifiers?

The Role of Smartphones in Managing Discomfort

Introduction

A few weeks ago, I was at a family gathering, enjoying a meal and the company of loved ones, when one of those contentious topics came up. With the upcoming election in the US, you can imagine how the conversation unfolded—heated opinions and discomfort. I felt the urge to pull out my phone and disconnect, but instead of a smartphone, I had a Light Phone 2 in my pocket—not exactly the kind of device that encourages distraction.

This reflex of reaching for my phone got me thinking that night about how I used to use my smartphone as a pacifier. Nowadays, people call it phubbing—using smartphones during in-person social interactions. Just like a baby given a pacifier to calm their discomfort, many of us turn to our smart devices to escape awkward moments or negative emotions. It has become a coping strategy. Instead of facing challenging moments, we tend to choose what feels easy and comfortable over what we truly need to do. The conversation at the dinner table ended not in a fight¹, but in laughter. The awkward moment passed, and while I may have disagreed with some points raised, I listened and respected someone's opinion, even if I am not voting for the same candidate.

Photo by Ryan Plomp on Unsplash

How did we get here?

In the past, people still found ways to escape discomfort—whether it was hiding behind a newspaper, pretending there was an “emergency”, or simply avoiding eye contact. Those escapes were obvious and made it clear someone was disengaging. Today, it's different. With smartphones, the disconnection is subtle and insidious. It starts with a quick glance, then devolves into a full-on scrolling session. This phenomenon has become a form of micro-ostracism—leaving someone, even when surrounded by others, feeling alone. Research by Knausenberger et al. (2022) highlights the emotional toll of phubbing, not just on the person being snubbed but also on the person doing it. Phubbing can trigger negative moods, feelings of exclusion, and a threat to fundamental human needs like belonging and self-esteem. Ironically, the very act of disengaging from others through our devices often leaves us feeling more isolated in the long run.

True connection requires vulnerability and the willingness to face uncomfortable moments without the crutch of digital distraction. Smartphones aren’t the sole culprit here—our habits have evolved alongside advancements in technology. Back in 2010, people didn’t reach for their smartphones as frequently as they do today. The Blackberry, for instance, was a tool to stay connected but wasn’t a staple on every restaurant table. It stayed in the background. But as services got better at capturing our attention and tailoring content to our interests, the digital world became more enticing than the conversation at hand. Why listen to the same old story from a friend when the internet always has something new and exciting to offer?

Offline Dopamine

Thus, we ended up phubbing because of our own desires. It started with those quick glances at notifications and messages, but soon turned into hour-long doom scrolls. Companies realized that our attention meant money, so they ramped up efforts to keep us engaged—and we delivered. This practice doesn't just affect the person being ignored—it also takes a toll on the person doing it. Constantly being pulled away by our phones conditions us to have shorter attention spans, making it harder to focus. Whether it's at work or with friends, we become less willing to tolerate discomfort. Yet, meaningful connections need our full attention. Meaningful work deserves our full effort. When we only half-listen because our mind is divided between a notification and the person in front of us, our lives suffer. We miss out on the growth that can come from facing discomfort head-on.

Photo by Luca Upper on Unsplash

So, How do get out of “here”?

To break free from the habit of the digital pacifier, we need to set intentional guidelines. For example, leave your phone in another room (or in a lockbox) during meals. With your family or friends, commit to turning off devices when important conversations or moments are about to happen. A photoshoot, Thanksgiving dinner, or a stroll around the park. Trust me, TikTok is filled with videos already, they won’t miss one more. Communicating in advance and getting buy-in from the people around you will reinforce the idea that meaningful connection is more important than Instagram reels. You could do this on a specific day of the week or during your next vacation—just make sure to communicate and emphasize the value that real connection will bring to the group.

Another way to defeat the phubbing temptation is to have a less interesting phone. Whether you use an app like Brick or ClearSpace to block access to distractions or get a dumbphone, having something that is inherently less interesting makes a huge difference. It also helps in the long term to reset your dopamine threshold and appreciate the world as it is—not with the modifications and filters of the online world.

Finally, you can learn skills together and create a space that is engaging for everyone. Distraction can often cloud our minds and leave us without the many skills that bring value to them. Have everyone in your family sign up for a class or do an artistic project at home. Not only will you be able to practice conversation with each other and engage in discussions that foster understanding, but you’ll also have something tangible to show for it, like a puzzle or a completed LEGO set.

Conclusion

As the most wonderful time of the year approaches, the conversations around the dinner table may get tense, but they don't have to. We can choose to be respectful, engage fully, and spend quality time with our loved ones—free from the distractions of our digital devices. By focusing on genuine connection, we can create moments that matter, fostering understanding and warmth during this hectic season. Wishing you a safe, sane, and joyful holiday season.

1. I’d like to say that if a conversation threatens your physical safety or has the potential to lead towards harm, it is best to table it, end it, or completely walk away. No shame in doing that. This post is more about the general feeling of discomfort that we now pacify with smartphones.